Debate Scorecard (Grambo)

I'm looking forward to Perf's take on the debate. I think I would like to approach my scoring of this debate like a Ms. Cleo Tarot Card Reading. That is, I'm going to predict the future for 2.99 a minute. CALLL MEEE NOWWWWWW...

Cleo: First caller?
Caller: Who won the debate?
Cleo: I read the future, not newspapers. If you want me to read the future, I can tell you what happens next.
Caller: Umm, okay. Do that.
Cleo: The Goat of Saturn tells me that Obama will use this momentum to mobilize voters, and in particular independents in swing states to turn some "Lean McCain" states into nightmares for the elderly Senator from Arizona. The electoral map looks more purple and blue than red in the coming weeks.
Caller: But what about me? Who am I going to vote for?
Cleo: mmmmm.....chile..... it seems to me that you are passionate about a certain candidate who really proved to be cool as a cucumber tonight. Am I right?
Caller: I'm cool and I like cucumbers... so yeah. Wow, Ms. Cleo, you are amazing!
Cleo: ...
Caller: Hello, you still there?
Cleo: ...Okay, that's exactly 5 minutes. I'm going to put you on hold now so you get billed more. Thanks fah callin'!
Caller: But I had another ques- CLICK

Cleo: Next Caller! Now, before you say anything, I can see Truffle of Venus speaking to me. You are a conservative, yes?
Caller: Unbelievable. I am, and clingin' to it!
Cleo: Arright. How can I help you today?
Caller: Well, Ms. Cleo, I really want to know what John McCain is going to do to repair his image. I mean, he comes off as such a slimy, condescending old politician every time he debates Sen. Obama. I want him to do better, but now there are no more debates. I can't bear to watch the news anymore with all the opinion polls showing landslides. Can you just tell me what his strategy turns out to be in these next 19 days?
Cleo: Ahhh, my friend. I can feel your concern. It's deep. Like the Pit of Hades. I can tell you this: John McCain will release more positive ads, ads where he is only talking about what he will do as President, as opposed to what his opponent is doing wrong. It doesn't matter that Obama launches more attack ads, or is perceived to have spent the most money of all time on them.... no, no. None of that matters. What matter is that John McCain looks desperate, and now needs to try something different. And he will. I predict friendly ads, more peaceful rallies, and perhaps an interview with someone who disagrees with him! But you won't be watching anyway.
Caller: Wow, well, that sounds about right. Will it help him?
Cleo: No.
Caller: Why not?
Cleo: Because he still won't say anything to draw voters to his ranks, chile. You need to understand that there were very few times during the debate last night that would have made independents and swing voters any more fond of him. He will continue to play it safe, and ride out the wave of this election.
Caller: That sounds ominous.
Cleo: Do you pay me for good news, or do you pay me for the truth?
Caller: Well, I...
Cleo: Don't answer that. Next Caller!

Caller: Ms. Cleo, I need to know...
Cleo: Buy gold. The stock market is in the shit. Negative beta tells me that you should invest in gold.
Caller: Is that one of your cards, negative beta?
Cleo: No. It's a coefficient. But the Ulcer of Uranus tells me that you don't have much finance experience.
Caller: Unbelievable!
Cleo: ...And get excited to spread the wealth. Well, whatever is left after this financial crisis. Okay?
Caller: So does that mean...
Cleo: Yes, Joe the Plumber is going to expand his business. After he actually gets licensed as a plumber. And he won't make $250,000 until Obama's second term, during which he will slightly ease tax rates for the highest grossing small business.
Caller: I don't believe you... That's cr-CLICK.
Cleo: Americans. They really don't know what it is like to believe. CALLL MEEE NOWWWWWW!!!1